Conan and the Last Man

Extremely Tarantino voice: You just don’t get Conan the Barbarian. So it’s the late Bronze Age. And all the weapons and armor is made of bronze. But some peoples have started discovering iron. And they’re like what’s the riddle of iron? And they’re worshipping the god of hammers who would later go on to be Thor and merge with the sky god to become Zeus. So they worship the hammer god “Crom” but is going to become Thor who lives in the ground and they’ll become dwarves. And along comes these nomadic steppe warriors who are going to be a pain in the ass for civilization for the next 6,000 years. And their thing is they’re the first horse lords. In 1,000 years they’ll develop the chariot. But for now they’re just riding bareback. And not just with the women they’ve captured… But seriously, stirrups won’t be invented for like 3,000 more years. But even with that just having the best horse technology means that they’re conquering everything. These are the proto-Indo Europeans. But not just any tribe of the PIE. Their leader is on the cutting edge. He knows that steel is the future. They’re completely replacing populations. Capture the men, enslave the women and children. But what do you do once you become king and don’t want to fight anymore? You set yourself up as the priestly class. Because that’s the answer to the riddle of steel. That the steel isn’t what makes it deadly. It’s the power to compel people to wield it. It is calling a deer a horse. It’s why a rabble is more likely to mutiny than educated soldiers. You’ve instilled bitch in their hearts and they fundamentally respect authority. But Conan isn’t the son of a king. Or if he was Thulsa Doom killed him when Conan was still a boy. He’s part of the rabble. He will kill the priest and free Fukuyama’s Last Men, as symbolized by the daughter of the king, from the subservience that has been instilled in them since they were children.